Reflecting on Motherhood During Our Beach Adventure

Image Leave a comment

Started off the new year taking a very chilly trip to the beach a few hours away. We love going to the beach this time of year because it’s calm and very few people are there. This was Baby’s Si’s first visit to the beach and was just taking it all in. He was so observant. He stood around and enjoyed the sounds of the waves crashing. He felt the sand seep through his tiny fingers. I have to always remind myself that most experiences my kids have are their first. They haven’t been here long and so I enjoy watching them discover, explore and take everything in. It’s a beautiful thing. My mom use to say, my fun is your fun. Now that I’m a mom, I understand. When I see them learning, growing, and enjoying, I feel that is my learning, growing, and enjoying. Motherhood is a mix of so many emotions I sometimes have a hard time articulating. It’s a bittersweet journey of wanting them to grow-up but not wanting them to grow-up too. I want them to be safe, but I also want them to take risks. I want them to be independent, but I also want them to want me. This journey has ups and downs. I feel guilty yet proud simultaneously. At times, I feel confused but also assured. I feel wanted but also overwhelmed from being wanted so much. Now that I don’t have my mom, I feel a sense of sadness. My kiddos will never experience how truly awesome she was. I’m left to stories and pictures. That’s okay. I mourn what could have been. However, I am hopeful I can effectively communicate what was.

Anyway, enough sadness for today….

Here’s some pics from our first family trip. I hope you enjoy.

Till next time…

Sincerely,

Deidra Marie

A LIFE UPDATE

Image Leave a comment

Well, I’m back. It’s been a whirlwind start to the year. For those following along on Instagram you know I’m 9 months postpartum. How I have two young kiddos is beyond me. I’m shocked everyday that I produced tiny humans who are just so awesome. I’m a mom. How is this possible? Kids really do surprise you in the best way possible.

I am also a mom without a mom. My mother unexpectedly passed away in December and I’m finally getting back into a routine in this world. I’m sad, all the time I’m sad. I was very very very close to my mother. She was my world and to live in a world without her in it is so odd to me. I can’t say that I’ve fully come to terms with everything. I’m a bit traumatize if I’m really being honest. I watched her die right in front me hooked to so many machines that were helping her breath and live. These days, I’m functioning, doing everything I’m suppose to do, getting back into a routine; being a mom, a wife, a sister, a niece, a colleague. Most days I feel I’m on autopilot. I’m doing all the things, but that’s just it, I’m doing all the things and that’s it, hoping one day my normal feels more normal. Praying it feels normal. I’m responsible for her estate, so grieving seems to be on delay as I take care of her affairs. January and February have been 2 months of navigating estate planning and deciding what to do with the assets she left behind, navigating her private affairs and making big decisions I thought I’d never have to make so young in life. She’s not here for me to asks questions, seek guidance, understand why she did what she did and when it comes to her financial decisions and even her health decisions I still don’t understand and maybe never will.

I’m exhausted, more than likely depressed, but I press on. She made me responsible for things because she trusted me. She use to say to me for years that I would need to take care of everything. She started saying these things to me at around 17 years old. It was subtle at first; random comments that came out of nowhere about saving money for myself, she would say, everything I have is for you, your brother and your sister. She’d say, Deidra, make sure it’s split in thirds. These past two months, I’ve done that. I’ve been fair, logical, I’ve honored her wishes, I’ve settled all the things and now I cry, I cry everyday, mostly at night. I’m crying as I type this. This isn’t my typical post. This is a sad post. I usually share fashion tips, happy life updates, but today, this space is for my grief, for the emptiness I feel, for the sadness that has consumed me over these past few months. I think it’ll be okay, but for now, I’m not okay, and that’s okay. I allow these emotions to come and go as they please because that’s what being human is all about.

Welcome to my grief journey. I hope you’ll stick around.

Sincerely,

Deidra Marie