A Weekend Recap

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Somehow, I made it through my first dance season with Charlee. I never thought in a million years that I’d be a dance mom. Yet, here I am. I drop her off at dance practices and navigate the complexities of toddler tutu’s and tap shoe sizes. Sidebar, tap shoe sizing for toddlers is crazy. Either Charlee’s feet have grown overnight, or it’s just inconsistent sizing across the board.

We had a busy lineup last week. Charlee graduated pre-k and had her big dance recital. An unsleepover celebration followed, which really just ended up being a bunch of exhausted kids. The parents hoped the next toddler meltdown would end quickly. In any case, me and my dance mom friends survived the weekend and now summer can officially start.

By the way, in between all this craziness, I shot my first dance video for a friend of mine. I don’t do much videography. I really lean into my comfort zone, which is photography and photography editing. However, this was a much needed confidence booster. I’ve never truly seen myself as a videographer. I went to school for communications. I specifically remember my video production professor saying I was a much better actor. He said that videography wasn’t it for me. That stuck with me. I lost the motivation to learn more about it. I lost the motivation to practice and fine tune my problems areas. All that said, I always end up making videos. These are either for clients or brands I’ve worked with in the past. This has forced me to fine tune those weak areas. I did exactly what my professor advised against. I’ve significantly improved since then. It’s a skill set I’m proud to say I have. Lesson for the day…your purpose will follow you no matter what people say. So you might as well do the thing that you aren’t good at. Especially if it’s your calling. Just because others don’t see it, doesn’t mean you can’t work on it. Another lesson, you’re not always going to be good at it the first time you try. You have to keep working at it. Discipline and consistency breeds results

Anyway, didn’t mean to go off on a rant. At my big age, I’m learning so much more. I actually have time to sit with my thoughts. I have children that hold me accountable and are counting on me. This is my favorite and least favorite thing about parenthood. I love that they look to me as the example, but it’s a lot of pressure.

Keep scrolling for even more pics from last week’s shenanigans.

Enjoy!

Until next time, friends!

Sincerely,

Deidra Marie

A LIFE UPDATE

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Well, I’m back. It’s been a whirlwind start to the year. For those following along on Instagram you know I’m 9 months postpartum. How I have two young kiddos is beyond me. I’m shocked everyday that I produced tiny humans who are just so awesome. I’m a mom. How is this possible? Kids really do surprise you in the best way possible.

I am also a mom without a mom. My mother unexpectedly passed away in December and I’m finally getting back into a routine in this world. I’m sad, all the time I’m sad. I was very very very close to my mother. She was my world and to live in a world without her in it is so odd to me. I can’t say that I’ve fully come to terms with everything. I’m a bit traumatize if I’m really being honest. I watched her die right in front me hooked to so many machines that were helping her breath and live. These days, I’m functioning, doing everything I’m suppose to do, getting back into a routine; being a mom, a wife, a sister, a niece, a colleague. Most days I feel I’m on autopilot. I’m doing all the things, but that’s just it, I’m doing all the things and that’s it, hoping one day my normal feels more normal. Praying it feels normal. I’m responsible for her estate, so grieving seems to be on delay as I take care of her affairs. January and February have been 2 months of navigating estate planning and deciding what to do with the assets she left behind, navigating her private affairs and making big decisions I thought I’d never have to make so young in life. She’s not here for me to asks questions, seek guidance, understand why she did what she did and when it comes to her financial decisions and even her health decisions I still don’t understand and maybe never will.

I’m exhausted, more than likely depressed, but I press on. She made me responsible for things because she trusted me. She use to say to me for years that I would need to take care of everything. She started saying these things to me at around 17 years old. It was subtle at first; random comments that came out of nowhere about saving money for myself, she would say, everything I have is for you, your brother and your sister. She’d say, Deidra, make sure it’s split in thirds. These past two months, I’ve done that. I’ve been fair, logical, I’ve honored her wishes, I’ve settled all the things and now I cry, I cry everyday, mostly at night. I’m crying as I type this. This isn’t my typical post. This is a sad post. I usually share fashion tips, happy life updates, but today, this space is for my grief, for the emptiness I feel, for the sadness that has consumed me over these past few months. I think it’ll be okay, but for now, I’m not okay, and that’s okay. I allow these emotions to come and go as they please because that’s what being human is all about.

Welcome to my grief journey. I hope you’ll stick around.

Sincerely,

Deidra Marie