Hi all! It’s been a hot minute hasn’t it? My apologies for going ghost these past few months. The third trimester really wore me the heck out and Charlee decided to come a few days early. I told myself I wasn’t going to share my birth story on the blog, mostly because I felt it was so personal, so private and that it didn’t need to be shared with the world, but I really took the time for my hormones to level out before making any major decisions about how or even if I would talk on the topic. After some soul searching, I decided that sharing may help other new moms/expecting moms. This is really a community of women that are winging it just like me and there is no shame in sharing your experience if you know it will help someone else. I was fortunate to have so many positive women in my corner who were open to sharing their pregnancy experiences and their birth stories and my how it helped me navigate pregnancy and now motherhood. So let’s get it…
Charlee Marie Craig was born August 21, 2020 at approximately 12:27am. My water broke the night before and after a few minutes of convincing my husband that it was actually my water breaking, he packed the car and we headed straight to the hospital. Because of COVID, I had to stay in triage until I took a COVID test. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we are living in strange times that even in labor, COVID-19 test have to be administered. So grateful the hospital is taking so many precautions. Only a few hours into labor the contractions were moderate. They weren’t excruciating, in fact, I was able to hold meaningful conversations with all my labor nurses and the on call docs. I remember getting the epidural around 1:30PM. The doc came in to check on me and I was only a few centimeters dilated. They loaded me up with pitocin for several hours to get my contractions stronger and push labor along, but I couldn’t get past 4cm. I remember asking the doc what the chances were of me getting a c-section (definitely not apart of my birth plan) and she said 50/50 chance. After 11 hours of labor my birth plan went out the window. The epidural stopped working on my right side and I was in extreme pain, my blood pressure had dropped extremely low and I could barely keep my eyes open. The doc came in and said I had to have a c-section and I was balling tears. I kept repeating to the doc that I was terrified, that I had never had surgery before and never planned on it, that I read and researched all the risks, and followed all that by saying I wasn’t questioning her abilities, but that I was just scared. The doc was calm, reassuring, she talked to me very carefully about the surgery and somewhere in the back of my mind I remember knowing everything she said because I had prepared myself prior too with extensive birthing classes. PS. I highly recommend birthing classes. Then it all clicked, the instructor from my birth classes said NEVER call it a birth plan because plans imply it will happen exactly how you planned, instead call it birth wishes, these are requests that are subject to change, in other words, you understand and accept that things change, period. It all clicked, I planned for a vaginal, but that changed. I remember sitting up as far as I could in the hospital bed, looking at the doctor, wiping my tears, swallowing the fear and saying, “let’s just do it, do whatever you have to do, I trust you.” It was at that point that I realized my plans don’t mean a thing, God’s plan is what matters. Feelings of doubt, the thought that I might die, the thought that perhaps bringing a child into the world was not the right decision began to dissipate. It was at that point that I surrendered. I had calmed the chaos in my head and focused on staying alive and getting through a surgery where I’d be awake the entire time. I remember hearing my baby cry, I took a quick glimpse at her before they whisked her away to get weighed and do all the things, I remember the sound of them stapling me back up, looking at my husband because I had a weird sensation and thought I couldn’t breath. The drugs wore off on the right side of my body again I could feel them operating. After it was all over I was wheeled to another room where they gave me medication for my uncontrollable shakes and chills. Soon after I finally got to hold Charlee. The labor nurses and the doctor and the whole hospital team were with me from beginning to end coaching me through one of the most traumatic experiences of my life and for that I’m so grateful.
Much like my so called birth plan, this is pretty much how I’ve been seeing 2020. I had plans for 2020 and I’m sure all of us did, but that went out the window and all I can do is exactly what I did in the hospital: sit up, wipe my tears away and say “let’s just do it, do whatever you have to do, I trust you.” I refuse to make any more plans, I have things I want to happen, wishes so to speak, but Charlee’s birth has taught me that everything won’t go according to plan, no matter how organized you are, how diligent you are, how prepared you are, and that’s okay. I’m okay. What will be will be. Let’s be real, I was scared out of my mind, but God set it up in way that there weren’t many options for me, I had to face my fears and deal with the fact that nothing was in my control. I had to let go and trust the process and trust that the decisions God was making for me were the best ones. A couple of days after birth, I talked with one of the doctors who said Charlee’s shoulders were very broad and that I had a curved pelvis and that had I had Charlee vaginally, she could have got stuck in the pelvis and she could have been delivered with a broken arm or clavicle. That day, I was taught to trust the process, today I trust the process, from now on I trust the process.
Expecting mothers and mothers to be, just trust the process.
Looking forward to sharing post on motherhood and about my sweet Charleekins. She’s a doll baby and I am enjoying watching her grow and take in the world. There is nothing like motherhood, absolutely nothing like it.
Till next time.
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